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prev # Monday, Dec. 01, 2003 2:42 p.m. # next
Loose cannonI have Miranda Stone's song "20/20 in the Morning" in my head. I've been listening to the one CD of hers that I have a lot lately. Also been listening to a lot of Ani, since I just got "So Much Shouting, So Much Laughter" (amazing, of course). She is mega inspiring.
Shannon sent me some poems today, potentially to be turned into songs by yours truly. Stirred up some old feelings and old regrets that have never gone away but lay dormant sometimes as my new life here pushes on. Also stirred up musical ideas that I think I can really work with. Haven't been playing/writing lately, need to do some of that.
I feel confused today. A lot seems to be happening. Especially in terms of my closest friendships/past loves/most emotional situations. I mean, I feel pretty good in general, but a bit tumultuous. My body's been doing funny things (unusually nasty headaches, occasional stomach problems, waking up exhausted, etc etc - I think that's all just stress though). Just read something in another person's diary that really got me thinking. Sometimes this online diary thing makes life just that much more complicated.
I've lost some weight recently, and am feeling really good about that. Maybe like 8 pounds. Been working out and not eating as much - hopefully on my way to another thinner phase.
Among the tumultuous events of the past week: Shelby and Jeremy met each other on Wednesday, when I was in DC for Thanksgiving. We all happened to be in the same general area, so we had to make it happen. I was nervous about it: they're both so important to me, and both know a lot of my history with the other person. It turned out better than I could've hoped - in the sense of them getting along. From what I could tell (and what each of them told me later) they really dug each other. I was glad, and felt lucky to have both of them in my life. I'm grateful to have so many fabulous people around me. I also met Jeremy's dad, and loved him as much as I knew I would. Thinking again of going down to NC for New Year's after all - there's been some question, but I would really like to visit and good ol' Leland Kerr certainly made me feel welcome, so that's cool.
My life (particularly my personal life - my professional life is stable and fine these days) feels like utter chaos. I reeled around for a year or two, wreaking havoc on those I loved, and acting far too impulsively. I still do, I suppose. Loose cannon. Fortunately, although it still feels like chaos, it doesn't feel like violence now. I don't feel the oppressive guilt that I felt for so long. I feel less angry, which has been a primary goal of late.
Just confused.
I have "Real Women Have Curves", "The Third Man", and "Bend it Like Beckham" from Netflix. As it's my day off, I've gotta go watch one!