prev # January 08, 2004 7:04 p.m. # next

"God bless Lili St. Cyr!"

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I'm pissed off today. And hurt. And insecure. Got a very confusing email. I don't think she was trying to be mean at all, but she hurt me more than she's been able to in a long time. I'm sick of feeling this way.

So immediately after receiving this email I had to go to rehearsal, and I was crappy. It's only the third day (so things are new and unfamiliar) and I was already in a negative mood so I just felt like I couldn't get anything right. It's absurd - we've barely started getting on our feet - but I'm worried about the whole thing...I have SOOO little experience with comedy, and it's an unusual role for me. The director (who's great) keeps trying to get this innocent, wide-eyed (but not stupid) thing out of me, and I just don't automatically have that onstage. I know, I know, I'm an ACTOR...and he was encouraging, saying I was going in the right direction. I could feel that, but I was just feeling so terrible...nothing seemed right. Aw hell, it's just a challenge, on another day in another mindset I'd be enjoying it. I hate being so hard on myself. This character is absurdly optimistic - the kind of person who goes into every situation and meets every new person expecting the best, expecting it all to work out. I wish I could be that person. And she doesn't do it in an annoying way either. She's actually quite appealling.

I often find myself playing roles that capture certain traits I'd like to have. It's interesting, I often notice that I long to be like my character. What does that mean? I dunno.

Gotta get something to eat. Hopefully next time you hear from me, I'll be in a better mood.

(the quote's from Rocky Horror by the way - Susan Sarandon)

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