prev # Saturday, Jan. 24, 2004 3:25 a.m. # next

anxious ramblings at 3am

Why do I continue to behave in a way that is hurtful? Why do I lash out, angry and bitter, in moments that are totally unnecessary? It seems like it's been done, and regretted, before. Why do I have to show the ones I love the ugliest parts of myself? Sure, that will happen occasionally, but I'm much more interested in showing the beautiful parts and I'm just afraid I don't do enough of that. Why do I push people away? Why am I so frightened? I guess I'm afraid of someone seeing the real me and not liking what they see. A common fear I suppose, no big surprises there. The "real me" (whatever that means) has an immense amount of love to give, but is too scared and insecure to truly give it. Gotta love yourself before you love someone else? Yeah. I creep closer to it, but in the middle of the night when the mindisracing and the body is tired and rehearsal looms "early" in the morning (early for me, that is)...well...I feel lost. I frustrate myself to no end...Someone I trust and respect once told me I dwell too much on my own pain. That statement has stuck with me vividly ever since. I try to remind myself of it, when I get carried away in guilt and anger with myself. There is a better way of directing this energy. Sending it out - but in a positive way. I have much to be thankful for; it's absurd to be indulging my anxiety like this. hmmm. I guess that's what the journal's for. yippee. I'm a harsh judge of myself, and unfortunately of others too. That simply needs to stop.

This is a strange time. A transitional time. A good time. I have to remind myself that the moments with him are not so limited - that, for once, we have time to be together. Nobody's leaving tomorrow morning, or next week.

I continue to learn, to become more the person I want to be. I wanna be good to him, and good to myself.

back in the day # onward and upward